BORN AFTER 1981? READ THIS NOW.

Ok. Here's the deal and you might not like me much after you read this. If you don't, then good, cuz I don't want to help you anyway.

Those of you born after 1981, the year of my high school graduation, and a year I chose somewhat arbitrarily for this lambasting, are what I call “Generation Entitlement.” From a lot of the people I've interviewed, I could back this year up to about 1978, but we'll stick to this more narrow margin for the purposes of this beating.

There are roughly 8% of you from this generation who DO NOT feel entitled and will work your ass off for everything you get. The rest of you, get over yourselves cuz we’re sick of you.

To determine if you are ENTITLED, take the following scientifically sound quiz:

• Am I a college graduate who believes I deserve to be in management within 1 year of exiting my fancy school?

• Do I believe that I have EARNED the RIGHT to higher pay and a bigger title after having performed AVERAGELY on my job for 4 months or less?

• Do I believe that I have EARNED the right to higher pay and a bigger title after having performed ABOMINABLY on my job for the past year or more?

• Do I believe I am THE SHIT?

If you answered YES to any ONE of the above answers, you believe you’re ENTITLED and I hope you go away. For the roughly 8% of you who answered NO, then welcome to The Reluctant Genius. You get to move ahead. It’s actually VERY simple and I promise you’ll be successful.

The KEY is for you to use the 92% of idiots who answered YES to the above questions as your BASELINE. (see elaborate graphic below.)

_________GENERATION “E”____________

You simply RISE ABOVE your competition by extolling the fact that you KNOW many of the young people out there feel ENTITLED to big titles and big salaries, but that you’re UNIQUE because you know that these jobs take HARD WORK and TIME and that you’re willing to go THE EXTRA MILE to EARN your place in the company and with this team. You KNOW that you won’t be the Executive Producer in a year, the Brand Manager in 6-months, or the VP of Sales in 2 years. You plan to let your ACTIONS speak louder than your BRAVADO.

I swear to God, if you say this to someone over 38-years-old, they’ll leap up and French kiss you right on the spot. Don’t sue them. It’s not sexual. It’s just that they won’t believe you’re one of that 8% who believes they have to actually WORK and EXCEL at their job to get ahead!

This Generation E is a well-known phenomenon in all circles of management. They don’t fool us, they just annoy us and we’re looking FOR YOU MR. OR MS. 8%! Make yourself known! Come out of the bushes! Reach out and let us know you’re alive! Give us a secret handshake, a wink, a nod, something! We’ve been looking for you for some time and we’re ready to hire you!

The EXTREME People Pleasing Personality Disorder

My statisticians have just released a new report that states: If you’re in a creative field you are a PEOPLE PLEASER. When I argued that a 100% guarantee seemed a bit much and that there must be a margin of error, say minus 20%, they were adamant (and, frankly, downright snarky) declaring that they are 100% certain that 100% of all creatives are PEOPLE PLEASERS. Even my arguments about Van Gogh, Freida and Cobain did nothing to penetrate their defense. So, there you have it. I can argue no more. They are, after all, the experts.

They went on to say that 67.67% of these PEOPLE PLEASERS are of the EXTREME variety (again, they permit no margin of error). They are those who will jump higher, run faster all while juggling fire and gargling water, if need be. Which leads me to ask: Could this be YUUUUU?

“So what?” You say, with a defiant little tone. “I like to make people happy. When I do good work and get praise, that is good. When I don’t get praise, it makes me work harder. And then when I still don’t get praise, I work even harder and faster and better.”

“And what,” I respond, “happens to you when you’re harder, faster, better is never good enough because your boss is the type WHO CAN NEVER BE SATISFIED? What then?”

“Well then I feel terrible and worthless and I realize that I suck and am not worthy of this job – so, let me tell you, I make some big changes! I skip breakfast so I can get to work earlier, I skip the gym so I can work longer, I skip my friends so I can work without distraction, I skip dinner so I can work later. I KNOW I can get my boss to appreciate what I do and even thank me for it in the end! Just you watch!”

O.K. I think you can see where this is going. Down the tubes. YOU CAN’T SATISFY PEOPLE WHO CAN’T BE SATISFIED, and that’s a fact. You don’t have to be a genius to figure that one out, so stop freaking trying! Once you accept that fact, you can start living again. You can actually disengage your PEOPLE PLEASER command center and screw your head on straight!

You have to re-examine your situation and assess it for what it really is. If you’re in this rut of trying to please someone who can’t be pleased, then you have to realize that the only person you WILL be able to please is….you guessed it, YOU. Ask yourself these important questions:

1. Am I giving between 90%-100% of my work energy to this job? (That’s plenty)
2. Am I a good employee?
3. Am I gracious, generous and a team player?
4. Are my ideas thought through?
5. Did I meet all of the expectations that were ORIGINALLY set forth?
The word ORIGINALLY is important since PWCBP (People Who Can’t Be Pleased) often change the rules to make the game not winnable.
6. If I knew the deadlines or other criteria were unrealistic, did I express my concerns up front? Politely?

If you can honestly answer “yes” to ALL of these questions, then what in the hell else can you do? Nothing.

Do you honestly think that someone who can’t be satisfied, who sees you jumping higher and running faster will EVER ease the pressure? NO! They see you panicking and working MORE so they’re going to keep it up! THEY BELIEVE THEY’RE KEEPING YOU ON YOUR TOES AND YOU’RE PERFORMING LIKE THE GOOD DANCING POODLE THEY WANT YOU TO BE! (Ick!)

So how do you manage this nightmare of a boss who can’t be pleased? YOU DON’T. YOU MANAGE YOURSELF. Here’s how:
1. You manage to understand that you can do nothing to change his/her behavior or response to you and your work.
2. You manage to get up the courage to speak to your boss and politely share your concerns about his expectations. (Since it’s all case specific you can contact me and I’ll talk you through it. tmazuer@gmail.com)
3. You manage to take pride in your work despite her bad behavior.
4. You manage to realize that the problem is HER not YOU.
5. You manage to STOP searching for praise and begging for attention.
6. You manage to realize you’re a person, not a puppy. You just don’t need your boss to love you that much.
7. You manage to hold your head high and remember that you’re a peer, not a peon. (Click to read more on being a peer, not a peon.)

A note on The Reluctant Genius’s argumentative statisticians: Ummmmm….they exist only in my head.

EINSTEIN'S THEORY OF HOLLYWOOD MOMENTUM

Einstein developed a theory about energy and momentum. It looks like this:

I know, I hear ya—24r to the 3rd power appears ludicrous considering the q6 and q10, but it all works out. I’ll explain in just a moment, but it’s important to establish this so you’ll understand how my slight alteration of his theory can change your life.

By simply replacing the 240 with 260, we come up with a theory about momentum as it applies to the entertainment world that, if only he were alive, could be proven by Einstein himself.

(Or, perhaps he would drop dead seeing my bastardization of his life’s work. Whatever.)

HERE'S MY THEORY:
The way to find a job and/or make more money is TO BUILD MOMENTUM! Let’s look at it.

You desperately need a job. You just sit at home staring at the phone. What’s going to happen? Ummmm…….

You bitch and moan that you want more money at your current gig, but what are you doing about it? Duhhhhh……

YOU DESPERATELY NEED A JOB: I liken building momentum to throwing a bunch of spaghetti against the wall to see what’ll stick. Not only can you tell if your fusilli’s al dente, you’ll stand a better chance of actually getting a call-back or two.

Now, throwing a bunch of goo against the wall doesn’t mean posting your resume on MONSTER.COM and sending a crap load of blind resumes to nameless, faceless assistants who placed an ad on GETATVJOB.COM and then getting all pissed off when nothing happens. Building momentum means dragging your ass off your futon and getting out to networking events, calling friends or former colleagues in the biz to see if they’ll have coffee with you, (so you can get their ideas on what’s happening), and working your ass off to secure actual MEETINGS through them, through the phone, through bribery, through whatever it takes. Meetings are hard to get, I know, but I swear to Einstein that once you start hurling your linguini at the wall, a strand or two WILL EVENTUALLY STICK.

By doing all of this work to get work, you’ll be securing more contacts so next time you’re looking for a gig, you’ll have more people to connect with. Simple.

So, your pasta stuck; you got a job. Now don’t let your ass hit that futon! This is where, if you work it, your MOMENTUM grows EXPONENTIALLY! Keep networking even though you are working—keep networking BECAUSE you are working.*

“It’s easier to get a job when you have a job.” Someone said it—I have no idea whom--and we just keep repeating it because it’s true. Since many of our entertainment jobs are short-term, either the show/project ends or we get fired, you’ve gotta stay on your toes and keep your momentum going.**

When you have MOMENTUM you might find yourself with two or more simultaneous job offers! HOORAY! When you have MOMENTUM you might find yourself employed and then being courted by another! YAHOO! This MOMENTUM means LEVERAGE. When you have leverage, you win—unless you eff it up. Here’s the deal with LEVERAGE: You can really screw the pooch in these situations if you handle it poorly. It’s a delicate balance and is not for the weak of heart. Write me tmazuer@gmail.com if you need help negotiating the exciting, yet potentially dangerous, waters of multiple offers.

Here’s my modified MOMENTUM equation. It’s a little more user friendly than what’s his name’s:
16oz Fettuccini + Boiling Water + 9 minutes + Wall = MOMENTUM

*Unless you’re under a specific contract, you have no reason not to continue meeting people and seeing what’s ahead as long as you do it professionally. If you are under a contract be careful and understand the terms of your agreement so you handle your momentum appropriately. It can get dicey.

**Please don’t take or make meetings on your company’s time. Do it before work, after work or on the weekends. I’m even a little squeamish about doing it at lunch unless the people you’re working for are horrible, abusive neo-Nazis or complete crackheads. You don’t want it to appear that you’re not 150% focused during your workday.

Anecdotal story about taking meetings during a workday: Years ago I was the CO-EP on a syndicated talk show and one of my staff members, who had been doing a crappy job and making others’ lives miserable, walked into the control room while we were busy taping a show. He was wearing “interview clothes” and an NBC VISITOR’S sticker on his lapel. We were not an NBC show. I hit the roof. So, if you DO take a meeting during the workday, cover your tracks.

Oh, and you need BUSINESS CARDS! This is a mistake I made. I never had ‘em, until now. You can get them for FREE (I swear) at www.vistaprint.com and they’ll come quickly. Just be prepared to be buried alive in an avalanche of Vista Print “promotions” in your inbox—it’s the small price you pay for FREE.

OK, NOW THAT'S JUST RUDE!

I thought this was a new phenomenon, the idea that executive producers, managers and/or those in charge of hiring and making deals were becoming more and more RUDE in their handling of those poor souls who are looking for work, but apparently I’m wrong. I just read in the new LA Magazine a story about Orson Welles, written by his friend, Henry Jaglom. I’ll summarize: (Orson, for those of you who are too young to know, was a kinda famous director who did an itty-bitty film called “Citizen Kane.”) Anyway, the author, his friend, wrote about a meeting they had had with an Oscar winning producer who, after Orson pitched him a film, said the following: “You’ve got yourself a deal. I’ll have the paperwork arranged by next week!” While the friend wanted to celebrate with a bottle of Cristal, Orson refused saying only, “If you knew how many ‘next weeks’ there have been over the last 20 years…” Bottom line: The producer NEVER called him back and NEVER took his calls. Un-effin-believable! That was freaking ORSON WELLES POST CITIZEN KANE!

So, this rudeness isn’t new, it’s just degenerating more and more into an accepted industry standard. In fact, I believe the Learning Annex has a new class for seasoned professionals...

Here's the description:
“How to Act Like You Want to Hire Someone and Then Play Dead.”
• Are you SICK of all of those people wanting that job you advertised for?
• Are you TIRED of all those courteous, well-thought-out emails thanking you for your consideration?
• Are you FED UP with offering people jobs and then having them follow-up with you?

We are too! In this seminar, Pat McFartface, President of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe Productions will give you clear and clinically proven steps to increasing your RUDABILITY status! You’ll find out why it’s perfectly acceptable to have a two-hour meeting with a super-qualified job applicant, negotiate rates, give them a start date and then NEVER, EVER call them again! Plus, Mr. McFartface will demonstrate, with actual telephone apparatus, more than a dozen unique ways to tell your assistant to “Take a message!” If you act now, you’ll receive Sherry Lansing’s “Kiss My Ass” booklet featuring 17 new ways to behave like a high-powered, overly paid schmuck!

Now, in the interest of self-disclosure, and personal humiliation, I have been one of these schmucks. I have interviewed and liked someone and never called him back. I have said, “take a message” a thousand times. I have put out “word” that I’m looking for a producer, been besieged by resumes, and then never responded to anyone. I hereby repent and ask that all of the other schmucks take a moment to do something nice today. Like, take a call.

I know there are a lot of you out there dealing with this issue—you’ve done due diligence, you’ve sent in your credits, you’ve followed up, you’ve heard nothing. Some of you have been offered work or a deal and have now been hit with a wall of silence; you call, nothing; you write, no response. It’s maddening and shakes your confidence.

I’m going to offer a little explanation in support of the FIRST TIER OF OFFENDERS -- those are the people who are soliciting resumes for a job opening. Please understand that the second they say they have an opening, they receive literally HUNDREDS of resumes and calls and there’s NO WAY they can get back to you EVEN if you were recommended by a friend. Just get over that right now. Having a friend recommend you is the BEST thing you can do, but don’t expect that you’re the ONLY person who was recommended by a friend, and you’re not owed anything. LET THAT GO!

TIER 2: You’ve had a nice interview, but there was no sign about their interest. You’ve sent a nice HANDWRITTEN CARD, yes, that's what I said, through the U.S. Postal Service with a bonafide special edition postage stamp. It’s time to call and say you’re checking in on the position. Call or email no more than 3x in two weeks and then LET IT GO. You had an interview, you thanked them, you followed up, be done or they’ll put a restraining order on you.

TIER 3: This sucks big time. You’ve been offered a job, or were clearly told they’re very interested in you. You’ve now hit a brick wall.

There are a few things you can do for Tier 3 depending on your situation:
1. You can write a “closure” email saying that, despite your best attempts, you have not heard back in a few weeks about the job you were being considered for and that you assume it’s no longer available. You wanted them to know you’d be moving on, but that if something were to change to please give you a call. You hope something might work out in the future. THEN LET IT GO.

2. You can call and talk to the assistant and say, “I’ve had a hard time reaching Dick Bawless and would like to schedule a phone meeting. Would you help me with that?

3. You can try comedy, if it suits your style. I might write something like, R U DEAD? But that’s just me and I’m not saying it works.

Regardless of your tier, there are a few things you should know to help keep your sanity:

1. It’s not just happening to you. I had a FRIEND say he wanted to hire me for a big gig and then never call me back. It’s been three years--honest to God.

2. You can’t make someone pick up the phone or email you back.

3. You can’t be so determined to get to the BOTTOM of why they didn’t pick you, call you back, or otherwise respond when things seemed to be “going so well.” You’ll go insane because you’ll probably never know.

4. Let go and move on for your own sanity. There are plenty more schmucks out there to send your resume to.

P.S. Pat McFartface isn't hiring right now.

P.P.S. I had a dream about Orson Welles after I read that article. We were college roommates and he stiffed me for a very expensive dinner. What’s that about?

HAS YOUR BOSS HIJACKED YOUR BRAIN?

Here’s a quote for you, but I’m not revealing who spoke these inauspicious words just yet:

“What good fortune for those in power that people do not think.”

Read it again:
“What good fortune for those in power that people do not think.”

Yea, yea – YOU’RE a thinker so you don’t count here. I must be talking about someone else! Well, I got news for you. You might think you’re thinking, but actually you’d better go and double-check. I’ll wait right here while you do….

OK. Here’s the deal. When you’re in a situation where someone has power over you -- for our purposes let’s say it's YOUR BOSS -- and he/she abuses that power, you can easily begin to lose your ability TO THINK. You don’t NOTICE you’re losing your ability to think because that’s the very nature of this ABUSE OF POWER phenomenon. That person basically puts you under a spell and now you’re dealing with SCARY POWER because it’s no longer just related to office deadlines, workload and quality control, it’s now related to your SELF-ESTEEM. And when that someone takes a hacksaw to your self-esteem, you begin to question everything you know about yourself and that’s when you start believing every negative thing you hear and feel. And when you believe these things, they control your emotional state. Understand that for many people in powerful positions, the thought of you being an independent thinker is threatening -- they need to break you down so they can then build you back up under their rules.

Hitler. Adolf Hitler. That was his quote. Wanna go back and think about that one some more? It’s effin scary, that’s what it is.

When your emotional state is controlled by ANYONE, you begin to behave in ways you normally wouldn’t and even the most (formerly) grounded individual becomes something less than the person he/she was 6 months or 10 years ago.

The key is to THINK AND QUESTION (critical thinking) so you always hold on to what’s true for you. Use your trusted friends as “reality meters” and ask them if they think your perceptions might be skewed by something. If they say “yes,” please trust them. You can easily be under the “spell” of the person to whom you’ve given all of this power and, seriously, you won’t have a clue! You get a clue through your AWARENESS of the situation and often that has to come from someone you trust on the “outside.”

Just having AWARENESS kick-starts your brain. And when you’re aware, you’re thinking. And when you’re thinking and questioning you can survey your surroundings and recognize when someone’s hijacked your brain! Get it?

Now go rescue your brain and never again give ANYONE the good fortune to have power over you.

P.S. While we’re on the subject of unmitigated power and its nemesis, critical thinking, please be sure to THINK ABOUT AND QUESTION what the Republicans are offering up this election.

Veni, Vidi, Vomiti

You’re sick to death of it. I get it. Your pain-in-the-ass boss and your whiny-ass co-workers make you want to hurl. And if you’re NOT working, the slew of crackheads who hold the keys to getting your next paycheck, produce an endless eruption of bile. Yup. I do get it, but it’s time to stop feeling sick and instead learn how to TELL people exactly what you want from them. This act of self-expression will help you become more of a peer and less of a peon and will strengthen your position wherever you are, I swear. You just have to use your brain and know when and how to cough up your truth.

Saying what you need is really not as hard as you’ve built it up to be. We tend to be so insecure in our jobs and with the people around us that we become paranoid people-pleasers and second-guess every move we make. I know just reading this spikes your heart rate – I can hear you now:

“But I’ll sound like a bitch (or a dick) if I say what I want!”

No you won’t. You’ll sound like a person who has an ounce of confidence. You’ll sound like someone who has a brain and shows initiative. What a travesty that would be.

Imagine this: Instead of following up on an interview by passively saying, “I just wanted to call and check in to see if you’ve made your decision yet,” buck up and say, “I just wanted to call to let you know I’ve been thinking about this position and I REALLY WANT IT. What will it take for me to get this job?” [Ooooooh….scary! You might actually sound, dare I say, enthusiastic!]

Instead of fuming inside when your boss loads more and more work on you, and then pouring your pent up venom on your colleagues, respond to your boss by saying, “No problem, but can you help prioritize these tasks so I understand what’s most important to you? I might need another person to help me get this done on time.” [Ooooooh….you sound like you’re not perfect! Welcome to the party! Have a beer.]

Saying what you need and expressing how you feel doesn’t mean you walk into your boss’s office to tell him he’s a turd and that you need a raise, it means thinking through your situations and choosing your words and timing wisely. If you’re shot down whenever you express yourself, start planning your exit strategy. If you think you want to vomit now, give yourself another two years with that punitive power-monger.

By now it should go without saying that these rules ONLY apply if you’re a stellar employee—if you’re NOT a terrific worker then forget I said any of this. There’s nothing worse than a crappy employee who has needs—the only need I have with a crappy employee is that they get the hell out of my office.

If You've Ever Cried at Work...

...then you have problems. And I know this because I’ve cried at work and I have problems—so there you are. But worry not, for there is hope.

Two of my old bosses — both men! — could (and would) tell you they’ve seen me cry so hard I couldn’t breath. Yes, that snot-pouring, hiccup-inducing, hyperventilating type of crying that should only be reserved for funerals or Brian’s Song. Once, after a show, I had cried so hard that I had to go into the hair and makeup department to see if they could “fix” me before I went to lead my staff meeting.

Here’s how it went down. I had just finished a “live” show that I thought went beautifully. Eighteen hours of work had just paid off and my staff and I were heroes. I was on the stage and my boss came barreling out of the control room headed right toward me – of course he was about to bear hug me and shout our praises – wrong! He was furious! The second he let out his first negative word, I lost it. I completely unraveled right there on the spot. Then came the snot and the broken sentences—you know the kind where the other person has to pluck out the few words you can formulate through your desperate gasps for air?

“I……hhhhllkkkk…..thought…..hhhhllkkkk….you….hhhhlllkkk….”

It was time to put my head between my knees.

Embarrassing? You might say. With the other boss, I cried so hard and snotted so much that I had to wipe my nose on his sleeve.

In both of these cases, these were people I really adored (and still do—well, one of them hasn’t called me back in three years, so he’s on my shit list). But, the point is that I sobbed because I cared. I’ve never cried in front of someone I didn’t care about. When they piss me off, I hide-n-cry. Exceptions notwithstanding, I’m the Broadcast News Holly Hunter kind of crier. I find an empty edit bay, bawl my eyes out and emerge the plucky producer who’s ready to kick some more Hollywood ass.

Now, if you’re a dude, you’ve probably never cried to that awkward point of the air gasp, and maybe, if you’re a SUPER-dude, you’ve never cried at all, but that’s about your dad, not about how much you really WANT to cry given the effed up situation at work, right? Just know we're all the same. If we don’t cry, it doesn’t mean we don’t WANT to.

(If you ladies don’t think that guys cry at work, believe me, they DO. At one show I had every heterosexual man crying in my office at one point or another. I qualify with “hetero” because the only man who DIDN’T cry was the one gay man.)

O.K., so the question is, “How do we, straight, gay, male, or female NOT cry at work?” Well, I think we have to first look at the underlying problem: “Why are we creative-types so damned sensitive?” A friend gave me this perfect metaphor: "We are like light bulbs that get brighter and brighter, but one tap shatters our fragile existence." It’s so true.

Here’s a little Psych101: If you put us creative-types in a room, we’d all share a bunch of effed up childhood stories clearly showing that we survived the madness because we have brilliant and wild imaginations and that’s why we’re now so damned creative. It’s also why we’re so fragile – we’re ready to crack! Clearly we can see that we have to work on our “old stuff” before we can manage the new stuff!

In the meantime, here are some tricks I’ve learned to manage these situations (to the tune of $150/hour):

• Breathe, breathe, breathe
• Remember that you’re not a 10-year-old; you’re 25, 35, or 45 and if someone’s pissed at you, you’re not going to die!
• Know that your response to the situation is probably how you felt as a kid in a similar situation…yikes, eh?
• Ground yourself by doing something small that refocuses your attention back to you. It’s a personal symbol to you and only you. It could be anything like touching your first finger to the tip of your thumb or clasping your hands together. You want to get your brain to reconnect with you. Sounds weird, but it works when you feel like you’re spiraling into nowheresville. Pick one “symbolic” gesture and make it a regular thing any time you need to ground yourself.
• Breathe again
• Remember that we tend to take ourselves and our jobs WAY, WAY, WAY too seriously. So stop it.
• If you start to cry, hide!


P.S. Paul, if you're reading, you owe me a call.

Manufactured Stress+Pepcid+Xanax

In the creative fields there’s a type of stress that is experienced often, but rarely, if ever, is called out for what it really is. It’s MANUFACTURED STRESS and its sole purpose is to feed egos and breed paranoia. It’s pure bullshit and, if you’re not careful, it’ll suck you up like a Hoover in a windstorm and before you know it, you won’t be able to ingest enough Pepcid and Xanax to save your soul or your stomach.

There’s always enough natural anxiety and stress in any workplace (particularly entertainment!) to keep us in a perfect state of panic, why would any sane creature create even more? There’s the key word: Sane. Someone who manufactures stress isn’t sane. So welcome to the world of entertainment and unbridled creativity! Sanity is not a pre-requisite here! In fact, it’s often one’s downfall.

A friend of mine, who is incredibly talented and has a boatload of fabulous TV credits was recently told that he didn’t get hired for a job because he’s “too nice.” I’m not kidding. Can you imagine hearing, “You’re talented, your references were fantastic and you have the perfect experience for this show, but unfortunately you’re too nice?” These people want someone who will join their ranks and MANUFACTURE enough stress to (as they believe) keep everyone unstable. They would never be able to articulate this because they’re oblivious to their own insanity. Their goal is to hire someone who will buy into their bullshit and continue the pattern they’ve been taught: Make everyone panic at all times to (ostensibly) increase productivity. My friend didn’t get the job because it’s clear he won’t play their in their effed up sandbox.

“Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness.”
-Richard Carlson

I’ve paid for enough therapy for the right to break it down: People who insist on manufacturing stress are not the most introspective, because if they were, they might discover some history that shows them WHY they behave this way -- and then they would be able to change it. Say you were raised in a chaotic family where a constant undercurrent of anxiety rippled through the household; unless you work through it, and realize what that was about, you’re going to carry it on into your adulthood and inflict that same sense of anxiety onto those who work under you. That’s just one obvious example of many, but, suffice it to say, you’re dealing with a bunch of people with unresolved issues that they’re gleefully passing on to you so you can become as sick as they are.

Years ago when I worked on an ABC show, we had an executive producer who created so much MANUFACTURED STRESS that I’m surprised we ALL weren’t hospitalized for PTSD. He was the type who would drill you with questions that had NOTHING to do with the content you were about to put on the air, but God help you if you didn’t know the answer. The more experienced producers taught us neophyte producers to just make up an answer without missing a beat. The running example was: “If Wally* asks you what color car your guest drives, you answer BLUE.” Seriously, he would ask questions like that and if you didn’t know the answer you would be verbally terrorized and the entire piece you’d been working on for days would be destroyed.

You must remember that MANUFACTURED STRESS IS FALSE STRESS. It’s creating a false sense of anxiety and YOU DON’T NEED IT to do your job well and, in fact, you must avoid it like the plague so you CAN do your job well.

When you sense someone over you is MANUFACTURING STRESS:

1. Stay calm and DON’T react. Just nod and say, “OK I’ve got it.”
2. Make them think you’re taking everything they say seriously.
3. Stop and think to yourself: Is that something I REALLY need to think about? Stress about? Or is it just their own neurosis?
4. How can I let them feel like I’m addressing their insanity without actually stressing out over it?

These people need to believe that you are TAKING THEM SERIOUSLY, and often they just need to believe that you’ve got it all under control. You have to learn to give off the appearance that “you’ve got ‘em covered” while not actually ABSORBING their neurosis. When we’re barreling through our already stressful workday, we can easily fall into their trap and believe that what they are telling us is true and that’s when we start chompin’ the Rolaids. We buy into the FALSE ANXIETY they are pushing on us. We start to believe that it really does matter what color car our talk show guest is driving. Now, c’mon. Am I a crappy producer because I don’t know that answer? NO! Who in the hell cares!

Whatever you do, though, don’t try to persuade them that their stress is over-the-top. It’s your job to be calm and grown-up and say, “Yup. I’ve got it.” If they’re dumping way too much on your plate and it’s just ridiculous, then you say, “No problem. Can you help me prioritize some of these things you want done? Which would you rather know right away? What color her car is or what her viewpoint is on capital punishment?” Sometimes, right before your very eyes, they’ll relent and say, “Never mind about the car. Just make sure she arrives on time for the show.”

If all of this fails, take one Pepcid and one Xanax and write me in the morning. tmazuer@gmail.com

*pseudo-pseudonym

P.S. If you're in TV, you've gotta watch the Laura Ingram video I posted below. If you're not in TV, watch it anyway and see what we go through. (I think it might be safe to say, though, that her staff might bear a little responsibility.)

Managing Covert & Overt Assholes

Covert Asshole (koh-vurt ass-hole) n. 1. One who wreaks havoc on the workplace while hiding behind an insidious smile or otherwise pleasant-looking façade.

Overt Asshole (oh-vurt ass-hole) n. 1.One who wreaks havoc on the workplace while showing outward signs of insanity.

-The “Genius” Dictionary

Let me start by saying: If you have to work with or for an asshole, pray he or she is of the overt kind. Since I’ve worked with and for both, I know first hand that knowing and seeing that the Overt Asshole's insanity is coming your way is far better than guessing what lurks behind the neoprene exterior of the covert one.

Now, in the interest of full self-disclosure, I admit that I have been an asshole. And to clarify, I’ve been an asshole of the overt kind. While I don’t take immense pride in saying I’ve been an OA, I can at least say anyone could see it coming; it’s not like my assholishness was going to sneak up on you and BAM, bitch-slap you from behind. (I don’t have a good poker face.) To redeem myself, I must note that over the years I’ve matured and I think it’s safe to say that most - -save a few -- would not consider me to be an asshole of any variety. But I have mucho experience with assholes of all flavors.

While there are these two classic forms of assholes, it’s the Covert Asshole you need to worry about. They’re super-icky and, since you really can’t understand their motivation, you’re stuck wondering, “Hmmmmm, how is this asshole going to destroy my life?” It’s truly maddening to be singled out by someone who has silently and insidiously declared jihad on you. I’ve experienced this twice, once with a co-worker and once with a boss. I think it’s more complex (not worse, just more complicated) when it’s with a co-worker because there are more layers of your world they attack – they trash-talk horizontally, vertically, perpendicularly and on the bias. When it’s your boss, I believe there are fewer positions from which they attack – horizontally mostly, and then in the future when you need their reference for your next job. But, if we’re using “devastation” as the denominating factor here, both assholes are equal.

When it’s your CO-WORKER, you can typically confront them more easily than you might your boss. And CONFRONT is the right action to take. I don’t mean run up and punch him in the mouth, but discuss what you “perceive” to be going on as though “you’re concerned” about your work relationship. (Puke, right? Just do it.) You can have a slight edge in your tone, but be pleasantly strong. Let them know you’re serious. Surely you’ve been hearing “rumblings,” so you should allude to them without being specific and without throwing your intrepid spies under the bus. Just say it’s becoming “more uncomfortable the more I hear these things,” and that you hope there’s no problem or misunderstanding between the two of you. If they’re more covert, then you can say, “I sense there’s something between us, but I’m not sure what, if anything is going on. Can we talk about it?” If they’re a complete overt asshole, yelling or bitching at you, tell them to knock it the hell off. I mean that literally. Say, “Joe, knock it the hell off.” That’ll usually stops them dead. It's fun to do because rarely does anyone have the balls to say it to them.

Know that in any case, the person you’re talking to isn’t going to ‘fess up and be honest about the fact that they have a problem with you, but at least you’ll know that they know that you know. They’ll also know that you’re hearing the crap they’re saying. They’re busted and confronted and they’re embarrassed because they’re not as clever as they thought they were. Don’t you remember the panic you felt in high school when someone said, “I heard what you said about me?” THAT’S THE KIND OF PANIC I’M TALKING ABOUT! Brilliant!

When it’s your BOSS, use the same basic tactic. This just takes more balls and if you don’t have them, pretend you do. See all about bullshitting. There is NO REAL CONFRONTATION here, only dialogue, which by its very nature is calm. Your tone should be nice and respectful – no edge. I had to do this a few years ago when I noticed my boss was no longer speaking to me, returning emails, looking me in the eye, or otherwise acknowledging my existence, which made it difficult to run his TV show. There was no clear “moment” that marked this slow burn into hell, but he had a ginormous ego, so it shouldn’t have been surprising. Anyway, when I’d had about enough of the passive-aggressive-ego-maniacal bullshit, I set an appointment and walked into his office. I calmly, BUT WITH CONFIDENCE, explained that during the last meeting, when he completely ignored me, it made me wonder if I had done something to offend, frustrate or otherwise upset him. I went on to say that my sole job is to make him happy with the work I was doing, (yes, puke, I know) and that if there’s something I needed to adjust, I was more than happy to do it (and I would have). During my conversation, I was not a sniveling idiot, but instead a strong, clear-minded adult who wanted to clarify any misunderstanding that might be in the way of getting the job done in the best way possible. And, since I really DID care about the job (not him), I wanted to adjust anything that might make life with him more tolerable. I knew I wasn’t going to get any honest admission like, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I’ve been a passive-aggressive asshole and I don’t like strong women,” but it was important that I knew that he knew that I knew. His only response was, “there is no problem.” So, I took that for what it was worth – zero -- and left. I then went on and tortured him by being unbelievably nice and professional until the very end – all the while knowing that he was just a CA.

I think the most difficult thing when you’re dealing with a CA boss is that you believe that if you just worked harder and longer and faster that things would change. Trust me, they won’t. Who knows what’s going on with this person? It could be that the way you chew your salad reminds her of her mother – and now there’s hell to pay because she sees HER when she looks at YOU. Seriously, it could be that your very presence triggers something in her and what in the hell can you do about that? Nothing!

Please, though, advance the greater good of the non-assholes and confront the person who is making your life hell. What do you have to lose? You’re not going to lose your job if you handle it with the utmost respect. And, what? You might lose a friend at work who was never your friend in the first place? Get it together and take charge of your situation. No patsies here!

FOOTNOTE: Now, it should go without saying that if you suck at your job, are lazy, complain, stir up shit, and take 2-hour lunch breaks, I condone assholish behavior from your boss. But it shouldn’t last long. They should buck up and fire you.

5 REASONS YOU SHOULD QUIT YOUR JOB

1. Your boss is an unadulterated asshole.

2. Your stomach is perforated.

3. You cry before breakfast.

4. You feel like a battered 8-year-old.

5. You’ve doubled your meds.

If you’ve checked any of the above and haven’t considered quitting, then run (don’t walk) to your shrink. I speak from experience. Trust me. It wasn’t until I developed ulcerative colitis (good times!) and a quirky little twitch in my left eye that I realized I was the idiot for staying in a ridiculous situation. The ulcerative colitis joined my twitching eye while I was producing a DREADFUL talk show that had systematically been destroying my life. I’m not sure exactly when my colonus eruptus, but it might have been the day my lunatic host spiraled into yet another of his nonsensical rages spouting racial slurs and declaring a “revolution” in the hallway. Even after I called studio security (as a means to protect myself and my staff), I went right back to work; this was, after all, just another 20-hour day at the office. Insanity, abuse and outright panic from above was the norm.

Bleeding colon or not, though, I wasn’t going down. WAS I INSANE? YES. Absolutely. After enough neuroses from the network and hostile host-ery, I should have walked out the door and never looked back, but I didn’t. I was too afraid someone would criticize me for not “toughing it out.” I only wish that I had had the courage to show what I was REALLY made of – STRENGTH. Real strength would have come from walking out the damned door.

Now I’m not saying this is easy. Quitting is a tricky business. You need to lay some groundwork before you quit, and that takes time and thought. So do it NOW. Obviously, if you wouldn’t be able to feed yourself or your family, you can’t just jump ship without a plan. So do your homework and, if you’re committed, you should be able to line up another gig within the next month or so. Then, BAM! You’re OUT!

Do yourself a favor and don’t STAY in your current job so you can prove to everyone that you can handle being abused. I’m no psychologist, but I think it’s safe to say there’s some old personal crap tied up in staying in abusive situations, right? So look at it for what it is and DO something about it. CHANGE IT. I wish I had. My new rule is this: Horrid people don’t get to keep good employees. When you stay in the job, you’re complicit in their abuse. Think about that: You’re condoning your abuse and that of others. YUK!

So go ahead, just this once let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.


NOTE: Be aware that unemployment doesn’t usually pay you if you quit, only if you're fired. There are hoops you’d have to jump through if you feel you were discriminated against, abused, overworked, etc. to get benefits. Check it all out before you make your decision.

Be a Peer, Not a Peon

This is one of the phrases I find myself tossing about lately – in fact, I’ve said it to three different people in the past 24-hours (all of whom are struggling with work issues) -- which leads me to believe that many more of you are also walking through your world behaving like you’re a teeny, tiny, itty, bitty, insignificant being in this vast business culture of big, scary people who rule your life. Puh-leeez. Get it together. And if you can’t get it together, then go back to the bullshitting area of The Reluctant Genius and pretend you have it together, because when you begin to act like a PEER instead of a PEON, you will get respect and respect is how you move forward in business. A peer is someone who is equal to you as you are to them. There is camaraderie with peers; with peons, there is only power. (Go ahead, quote me on that one. It’s smooth.)

I believe this “self-peonization” – a term I just coined to sound as though I’m an expert in peonical culture – yet another piece of personal coinage – originated at some point during our respective tortured childhoods. If you don’t believe you were tortured at some point as a child, then you’re already a master of bullshitting and I congratulate you. If you’re exuding peonic behavior, then there is a 100%* chance someone screwed you up while your brain was still developing and you need to upgrade your peon alert to orange. (*Made up statistic)

In my graduate work, I’m studying the roles of the oppressor and the oppressed in our society; I think it’s fairly obvious to say that one cannot exist without the other, right? A queen is only a queen in relation to those she rules – otherwise there’s no queen at all. A pauper is only a pauper in relation to one who has riches – or perhaps, in their case, goats. The same goes for you. Because you don’t have goats, doesn’t mean you suck and are “less than” someone who has goats. The problem is that you perceive those who have goats (your boss, co-workers) to be better than you and you then bestow them with the ultimate gift – POWER. And when you do this, you screw the proverbial pooch*. That is to say, you set the stage to be treated as though you are not worthy. You are getting what you’re giving off. (*Apologies for mixing goat and poodle metaphors.)

When you are a peer, you walk into a room with shoulders back, you make eye contact, and you exude a confident tone that says we’re equals – you’re human and I am, too. If you’re sheepish (not to be confused with the aforementioned goats), you give off pheromones* that make their way right into the brain of your soon-to-be-oppressor who now has you pegged as a wuss. He or she has seen your weakness and that’s difficult to undo. (*Made up scientific fact)

Someone hires you because they want to trust in your strengths to get work done. Your job is to make their job easier. When you show confidence, they naturally develop a confident attitude toward you. When you look frightened, intimidated, or exhibit a clear lack of confidence, you scare the hell out of them and down you go.

NONE of this is to say you should go and slap your boss on the back and exclaim that you’re now comrades and best buddies. No. Please don’t do that – you’ll look like a jackass. Being a peer is about mutual respect and the notion of equality. No one is any better than the other, you’re just two people who want the same thing – to get the job done in the best way possible. Sure, we might be talking about your boss who can make decisions that you can’t -- she can hire you and fire you and make your life a living hell -- but you’re still human beings on this planet and I believe there is equality that can and must co-exist within the framework of your office. Damnit.

It’s all about RESPECTING without GENUFLECTING! No bowing down to ANYONE!*

*unless they have a shitload of goats.

GOT FIRED? SUPER!

I remember it like it was yesterday: I’ve been called into my boss’s office on a Friday at 6pm (never go into your boss’s office at 6pm on a Friday, especially if you’re about to head off on vacation). Upside-down and backwards, I instantly make out key words on a typed memo on his desk:

To: Tracy Mazuer

Re: Termination

Holy shit! I’m being FIRED. F-I-R-E-D. FIIIIIRRRRED. Oh no you don’t, mister! Can you guess what I blurted out before he could even say a word?

“FUCK YOU.”

Yes, that’s what I said. Then I repeated it three or four times to make sure he heard me. He did and had. I’m not recommending this approach, so please don’t stop reading now. In all fairness, I was working at a male-dominated rock station in the Midwest and tact was never in order. Besides, I was pissed. See, some friends of mine had heard I was going to be fired so I had already taken this bull by his horns and confronted him. Here’s how that went down:

ME: Hey, I heard you’re going to fire me and I just wanted a little heads up so I can prepare. Is this true?

BULL: No! Absolutely not. You’re staying here with me and even if I leave this radio station, I’m taking you with me.

ME: Cool. Just wanted to check in and be sure cuz these rumors are going around.

BULL: They’re totally false.

ME: You wouldn’t bullshit me?

BULL: Never.

So, here I am in his office not two weeks after this conversation reading the words upside-down and backwards and flipping out because I’m about to fly across the country to surprise my dad for his 50th birthday party. SURPRISE! I’ve been fired! Can’t pay rent!

Once I stopped firing F-bombs at him, I loudly recounted this conversation we had had just a few weeks back. I verbally pushed him and told him I’d happily leave his office when he told me something I had done to warrant being fired. I stayed there for two hours and managed to talk my way into keeping my job. Before I left, he asked for the phone number where I’d be at the Jersey shore. The next day he made the long-distance call and fired me again.

So, here’s the upshot: My dad wasn’t overly proud of the way I’d handled this situation and he used a metaphor he figured I’d appreciate. At the time, The Today Show was going through an intriguing scandal: Jane Pauley was clearly being pushed out of her 20-something-year-job by the younger, hotter Deborah Norville. Jane, of course, knew this because it was incredibly obvious and much talked about in dark alleys. BUT, she handled her prolonged humiliation with absolute dignity and class and, by watching it all go down, the importance of having grace was clear. The country watched as Jane took the high road and Deborah ultimately steered herself right into a ditch.

This metaphor came in handy the NEXT time I was fired. And the time after that, too. I call it “The Jane Pauley Approach.” No matter what, if you’re being fired, always take the high road – be Jane Pauley. It will pay off, I swear.

Now that you have that metaphor, let’s take it to a new level. The beloved simile: Being fired is like getting a tetanus shot. Stay with me here. It's a stretch, but I'm workin' it. Getting a tetanus shot hurts like a mother, but ultimately provides protection (from dying). See, that painting is what having tetanus looks like! Look familiar? That's what you look like living in fear of being fired!

When you get fired, you live. You realize your boss really can’t hurt you and your spasms will eventually cease. The shock of the moment stings, but then you’re safe and OK. Strapped for cash, yes, but alive. You actually become stronger because you no longer have to live in fear of being fired -- you just were! Hooray! You’ve been inoculated – and “Look, Ma, no lock jaw!”

So, when someone slams that rusty nail into your head:

1) DON’T worry. Just breathe. You’re fine.
2) DO recognize that you just lived through one of your greatest fears and the world is still rotating on its axis.
3) DO take the high road no matter how pissed off you are.
4) DON’T do what I did the first time and tell your boss to F-OFF.
5) DON’T take it personally. I’ve fired plenty of people, many of whom I’ve really liked and appreciated. I’ve been fired by a good friend and have fired good friends.
6) DO understand that most legal departments of companies won’t let your boss tell you WHY you’re being fired. It sucks! Fired people like to threaten lawsuits and your company doesn’t want to deal with that (nor do you, in most cases). The only thing your boss is supposed to say is something benign like, “It just wasn’t working out.”
7) DON’T talk trash your boss or the company to your co-workers. You’ll sound like the bitter, fired person and it can bite you in the ass. Protect yourself by leaving with dignity and trash talk at home.
8) DON’T act like you’re scarred and “less than” because you were fired. Get over it. Lighten up and take the scarlet “F” off your forehead. It clashes.
9) DO go get another job.

P.S. Know that if you’re in a creative field, you can expect to be fired AT LEAST once or twice during your career. It’s a rite of passage!

P.P.S. There are some great ways to handle your next interviews after you’ve been fired. Write me personally and I’ll help you through it.

THE FINGER POINTING PERSONALITY DISORDER

Message to Finger Pointers: You’re about to be exposed. Sorrrrry.

Ready? Here goes!

Many of you would just as soon throw your own grandmother under a bus than take the heat for something you screw up. You’re too afraid to OWN your shit.

If you’re quick to dismiss this statement – or if you’re feeling defensive, then here’s lookin’ at you, kid. You might want to take a moment to see if this shoe fits.

If, on the other hand, you’re dealing with someone who is a pointer, or if you’re ready to take the next step into adulthood and stop blaming others, then understanding the fear behind the action will help.

This heretofore unlabeled Finger-Pointing Personality Disorder can be found anywhere (except in the DSM-IV). It’s most pervasive in the workplace and unfortunately, the higher you go, the more pointers there will be. Why? Because where there’s fear, there’s a pointer!

God forbid anyone would take responsibility for her own behavior. What would happen? Well, I did an unplanned test that I’ll share in a moment. But first, one of my own FPPD stories:

Admittedly, throughout my years in television, I’ve thrown a few people under said metro. I did it while in a state of panic. A projectile vomiting, if you will, of shear finger pointing. Of this, I am not proud. While no apologist, I’m certainly not one to hang someone else for my mistakes. But when caught off guard, the mind can perform astonishing tricks. Before I knew it, the perfect excuse could just leap off my tongue. I caught myself in the act of FPing while producing a live cooking segment for an ABC show. There was an award-winning biscuit-maker; she was a memorable old coot who asked if she could sniff my cue-card permanent markers before she went on. I obliged and she snorted her way to joy and quasi-oblivion before walking on-stage. Within a few moments she was happy as a clam teaching the viewers how to make her decorated biscuits while backstage it hit me that I had forgotten to put the butter for the recipe on the stage countertop. All hell was about to break lose. My heart raced -- you know that moment you’re hit with unimaginable fear, full on 'fight or flight?' -- my face flushed then my panicked brain bellowed, “Blame it on the props department! Everyone else does!” And when the shit hit the fan, I did.

Why would we need to stoop so low and blame someone else for our mistakes? FEAR. FEAR. FEAR. FEAR. I was terrified that I might not appear to be perfect; I had to be the consummate producer or I’d never get ahead. This was, after all, live national television and that calls for nothing short of perfection (especially when it comes to biscuit baking or the other earth-shattering mistakes we might make in a day). Look, we all screw up all the time. Own it. All I had to do was say, “I blew it. Apologies. It won’t happen again.” What in the hell is someone going to say to that? You leave them no room for a lengthy, pissy rebuttal. All they really have room for is a snarky “Yea, never let that happen again!” Instead, I screwed someone else over for my own benefit and that ain’t right.

Actually, apologies seem to take on a life of their own. I find that when you flog yourself, others will actually try to make you feel better about your screw-ups. It’s true! Here’s what happened to me recently:

I was a consultant on a reality show. We were in post-production and I hadn’t worked much, if at all, with most of those staff members. My job was to look at the edited shows throughout the editing process and make notes of things for them to fix, add, delete, and the like. I communicated with them through writing since my physical presence wasn’t yet necessary. As you might have noticed, my writing style is anything but flowery and flattering, but in my brain I believed that a) they will appreciate me getting right to the point, and b) to know me is to love me. Well, this staff didn’t know me, and they certainly didn’t love me. In fact, before I knew it, there was a mutiny mounting and the entire post-production staff was on the verge of quitting because THEY HATED ME!

When I heard about it, I had two choices: I could blame them for doing shoddy work and thrust my fancy consultant sword through their paychecks, or I could admit that I had been acting like an asshole and APOLOGIZE for my behavior and lack of judgment.

Well, I marched my sorry ass into the office that day, gathered all 9 or 10 of them in an office and clearly, abashedly apologized for my behavior. I used the words "I'm sorry" and "I made a mistake." I then let every person in the department tell me without any fear of reprisal EXACTLY what they thought of the memos I had sent to them. It was brutal. They were so angry with me and they relished every second they had to slam me. I took it all without reacting defensively (super hard btw!).

My contrition was sincere and I trusted they knew it. The mutiny was instantly abandoned and they actually worked hard to let me off the hook. I had taken my 'just desserts' like a real woman.

I owned my shit instead of pointing fingers. It takes courage to do that, but I'm a firm believer that if you take the high road and do what's right, you will be rewarded somewhere around the bend.

As for the props department at ABC’s The Home Show: I’m sorry about that butter thing.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH & MAKE MORE $$$$

It’s often said that money is the root of all evil. Well, money is also the root of all motivation, all mortgages and all quality sushi. So if you want any of that, you need money. Probably more than you have now. But, I think it’s safe to say you’d rather donate your kidney to your boss than ask her for more money.

There’s good news, though, for you Reluctant Geniuses! You get to keep your kidney and get more money! Hooray!

Now before I go any further, I need to make sure that the appropriate audience is reading this particular article: If you were born after 1981, I ask that you please stop reading this and refer to the entry titled, “Born After 1981, Read This Now!” (Just weeding out the entitled.) Onward, for the rest of you….

The greatest lesson I ever learned in college -- besides don’t fall asleep in class and fart loud enough to wake yourself up -- was from a professor who was teaching about the art of selling and closing the deal. When you’re asking for money, that’s exactly what you’re doing -- you’re selling yourself and then you’re closing your own deal. He taught us, through rigorous role-playing, that when you want something, you ask for it then YOU SHUT YOUR DAMNED MOUTH. While he said it with more tact than I do, trust that you need to shut your mouth. The adage goes that after asking for what you want, “the next person who speaks loses.” You can apply this to many things, but right now let’s just focus on getting you more money.

As I write, I realize I’m going to have to expand this across several articles because there are too many scenarios to cover at once. Right now I’m only going to discuss when money comes up during an interview, but obviously you can apply these principles anywhere. I’ll follow up with more on how to handle the actual negotiation at job-acceptance time and then how to ask for more money once your firmly entrenched in your job.

WHEN THE SUBJECT OF MONEY COMES UP DURING YOUR INTERVIEW...

Ever had one of those paralyzing moments when the interviewer bluntly says,

“So, Danny, how much were you making at your last job?”

I know that moment well because, as a boss, I DO IT TO YOU every chance I get. It’s a trick I use to disarm you and it works EVERY TIME. You’re so vulnerable that you’ll tell me how much you were making on your last job – even if you were getting crap money – because I’m intimidating and you think you have to tell me, or risk seeming impertinent. And then when you say how much you made, I’m happy because I’m now in complete control of any potential negotiation that might come up.

But, take note, YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME. Stay with me here and you’ll see what happens….

If I’m the boss, I have a budget. Say I have $1,000 per week in this budget to pay for this position. (In TV we work in weeks, not years, because none of us ever get “yearly” salaries. And besides most TV people suck in math, so this is more manageable for our little brains.)

So, I’ve blindsided you and asked you what you were making at your last job. You panicked and blurted out $750 per week. Can you see how you’ve already screwed yourself? Think about it. I now know that I would probably only need to offer you $850/week to give you a substantial raise from your last job. You’d be thrilled and I’d save money in my budget! I can now give that money to SOMEONE ELSE who has better negotiating skills than you do! Ha. Ha. You haven’t given yourself the room to negotiate on YOUR TERMS and the damage is done.

There are several different ways to answer my direct question while not giving anything away and not appearing rude. The key is: You must DEFLECT and THEN SHUT YOUR DAMNED MOUTH.

Here’s what I mean: You’re interviewing with me and I’ve just shot that question at you. Here’s one great way for you to answer:

“Well, Tracy, my last job was unique. I wanted an opportunity to work with my mentor, so I took a bit less money than I would elsewhere. Can you give me an idea, though, of what you’re looking to pay for this position? And then I’ll have an idea if we’re in the same range.”

THIS IS WHERE YOU SHUT YOUR DAMNED MOUTH. SAY NOTHING MORE.

Your babble instinct is going to kick in. DON’T BABBLE. SHUT UP. Simply smile and look at me. It will be awkward. It will be interminable. The sound of the second hand on your watch will be deafening. TICK TICK TICK TICK. Everything will move in slow motion. BUT NO MATTER WHAT, KEEP YOUR DAMNED MOUTH SHUT. The next person who speaks loses. Watch.

Now I’M SCREWED. You answered my question without giving me any information and you’ve politely fired a question back at me. I owe you an answer. My next tactic would be to casually toss out a number and read your face. I would probably come back and say,

“Well, we’re looking to pay this associate around $850/week.”

I’m leaving myself a $150/week window so that if I’m in love with you (figuratively speaking), I can appear to give you more and more money to get you. I need negotiating room. Your face will tell me if I’m way off the mark or if you’re happy with where I’m going.

You would then tell me that YES, we’re absolutely in the same range and you’re sure we could work out something if I decided to hire you. Smiles abound.

You now know that if I offer you the job, you stand to make AT LEAST $850/week, but I said “around,” so it’s probably even more. Get it? You’re on top! All because you knew how to answer that awkward question and then YOU KEPT YOUR MOUTH SHUT!

Congratulations.

One rule of engagement: Never ever, ever, ever, ever lie about how much money you made.

It’s too easy for me to find out and, if you lied, you’ll never work for me or anyone I know -- and we all know lots of people no matter what industry we’re in. Besides, if I do find out that you made $750/week, you’ve already told me WHY you were willing to work for that salary. No harm, no foul. You’ve handled it all very well.

As I said earlier, I’ll have more on this topic for different situations soon. In the meantime, I think you can see why that professor’s message has stuck with me all these years.

Suffice it to say, I learned the two most valuable life lessons in that sales class at the University of Kansas:

1. State what you want and then shut your mouth.

2. Never fall asleep in public.

You gotta love state school.

DODGING ALL CURVE BALLS!

Whether you’re going in for a pitch meeting, an interview, or any situation where you’ll be faced with a decision maker who can seal your fate, you have to be on your toes. You can’t just wing it. When you’re presenting yourself or an idea to this person, you’re vulnerable. You can get creamed, at any time, by a comment or question that you can’t answer. But, Reluctant Genius, you don’t have to be open to attack. You can protect yourself IN ALL SITUATIONS. Check this out.

Whenever you go into a meeting or an interview, you must ANTICIPATE one thing: What is the CURVE BALL, or objection, a decision maker could lob at you that would freak you out and throw you off -- perhaps ending your pitch or presentation?

Prior to this meeting, your job is to consider any and ALL curve balls that could be shot at you at any time. Once you’ve identified them, you must teach yourself HOW to address each one calmly and effectively. You will make it APPEAR as though you’re just overcoming their objection on the spot – casually – when, in fact, you’re a well-oiled, well-rehearsed machine. Only then will you have a chance of getting what you want from these objection craving fiends!

Here are a coupla quick examples of CURVE BALLS:
CURVE BALL #1
You’re looking to score points with the president of your company and you’re presenting your immediate supervisor with a fabulous new team-building plan you’d like to see implemented in the office. She replies in a condescending tone, “It’s great that you’re trying to look at the big picture, but I’d rather you do your assigned job rather than spend your time dreaming up these pie in the sky ideas.”

CURVE BALL #2 – (entirely different scenario)
You’re interviewing for the job of your dreams. During the meeting, your interviewer immediately shuts down the conversation by saying, “Your resume is interesting, but you don’t have the right experience for this job. Thank you, though, for coming in.”

If you were faced with either of these CURVE BALLS, I think most of you would be so caught off guard that your heart rate would spike, and you’d be paralyzed with fear. Some of you would react in anger – you’d be so pissed that your face would flush and you’d engage in some sort of useless ego banter or respond so defensively as to render you completely screwed. I want you to be someone who knows EXACTLY what to say because you’ve already imagined being faced with this particular curve ball. You’re the smart one who keeps control of the situation and stands a good chance of success despite this roadblock.

If you’re thinking, “I can’t know what someone’s going to say when they hear my ideas or read my resume!” Please stop it. Of course you can! Use your brain and put yourself in their shoes. ANTICIPATE EVERYTHING THEY COULD SAY and ROLE PLAY it all out long before you walk in that door. This is the Reluctant Genius at his or her best!

Yes, it sounds dumb to role play out loud, and you’ll look equally idiotic when doing it, but tough shit. Trust me, you need to have many conversations OUT LOUD before you walk in to any room where you could get pummeled by a decision-maker.

(DO THIS EXERCISE ALONE. If you do it with a friend, you’ll be all squiggly and dumb and you need to really play these scenarios out.)

CURVE BALL #1
Here’s how my role play might go with the supervisor who is clearly threatened by my fabulous ideas. She’s probably paranoid that I’ll get her job. (Remember, I’m saying it out loud to myself, playing both parts.)

(Hear the KNOCK on the boss’s door)
TRACY: Hi Marion, I wondered if you had a minute to talk about a new team-building project I developed for the office? It’ll only take a few minutes for me to give you the thumbnail sketch.
MARION: Yea, What?, OK. (She’s clearly distracted and could care less.)
TRACY: I’ve been noticing there’s some friction between the creative department and accounting and I came up with this idea….
MARION: (Interrupts) I appreciate you’re looking at the big picture, Tracy, but the best idea, is to spend your time working on the Ding Dong Project you’ve been assigned and stop wasting your time coming up with these pie in the sky ideas.
TRACY: (Prepared for this type of curve ball) Oh, no worries! The Ding Dong project is coming along really well and I expect to be done several days before the deadline. And please trust that this extra work I’ve been doing has been during lunch. I’ve been eating at my desk so I could research these ideas so we could help bridge this gap between creative and accounting. I really care about the company as a whole. I know that President Schmucky is looking for some new ideas for the staff. (SMILING) May I share these ideas with you? I’d really like your input.”

What in the hell is she going to say? NO? She’s going to relent and listen. Because you’ve PRACTICED saying this, you are in complete control. You’re not caught off guard; she is. You came in prepared to be dismissed and even hear condescending objections, but you’ve kept your cool and have advanced your agenda. Brilliant!

If you’ve anticipated and role played EVERY objection you can think this woman might have, you’ll be so bloody confident when you're selling your ideas that she won’t be able to help but take notice. And then you can saunter out of her office smiling and whispering, way under your breath, “Bite me!” You’ll feel even better about your whole experience!

CURVE BALL #2
You’re interviewing for the job of your dreams. During the meeting, your interviewer immediately throws a dream-ending curve ball at you and says, “Your resume is nice, but you don’t have the right experience for this job. I’m really looking for a producer who’s had experience doing makeover shows. You don’t have any. I’m sorry.”

This type of "you don't have the right experience" is a big one that I’ve faced many times. I usually win because I’ve practiced (role played) being one step ahead of them. You’re going to hit this curve ball smack out of the park (Yay! A trusty sports metaphor for all of you dudes.)

Here is an example of what can be said in this situation:
(With a knowing smile on my face) “I knew you might think that, but in fact I have quite a bit of experience doing makeovers even though it may not look like it on my resume! Let me explain. When I was a producer on Lifestyles of the Poor & Shabby, I was responsible for making sure all of those I interviewed had teeth, proper clothing and makeup at the time of the interview. And you know, when you’re shooting in Arkansas that dental thing is no easy feat. Anyway, suffice it to say, I had my work cut out for me. Here’s what I did….(I would then go on to tell a specific story of how I managed to do the impossible in no time and have my toothless guests looking like a million bucks within an hour!)

You just have to tell them a story of something you’ve done – something you’ve really done – that satisfies their worry that you’re not “experienced” and couldn’t handle the brain-surgery-like detail that comes along with making over some crackhead who wants to be made over on TV. Get it? You must give them solid examples of work you’ve done, accolades you’ve received, experiences you've had so that her objection is overcome. BUT, you can’t pull this out of your ass the moment she lobs this comment at you. You'll stammer and stutter and get yourself all screwed up. YOU MUST THINK IT THROUGH AND ROLE PLAY IT BEFOREHAND!

(And, yes, I’ve had many a toothless guest in my day.)

OK. This next example is not for the weak of heart. I really had NO experience for this particular job. When I went in for this meeting/interview, to write cool stories for the Discovery Channel, I immediately laid it all out and said, “Listen, I know my resume doesn’t show that I have this type of experience, and I’m not going to lie to you. What I don’t have in experience, I have in enthusiasm and brains and I’m so confident that you’ll be happy with my work that I’ll do this project for FREE. (Swear to God, I said that.) If you like what I’ve done, I’ll accept payment after the project is approved. If not, no harm, no foul. What the hell are they going to say? No? Of course not. There's NO RISK!

It was, however, a gigantic risk for me for many obvious reasons. Honestly, I went home and cried for days staring at this project having NO CLUE how to get started let alone how to finish. I worked day and night. I cried more. Weeks later, I finished the project and…..they were ecstatic. After that, they hired me over and over again. I think they felt that if I was so bold (or stupid) to stand behind my work like that, I probably had some chops. They never knew about the tears. Until now. Oh, how embarrassing.

THE BOTTOM LINE: DODGE ALL CURVE BALLS BY ANTICIPATING AND ROLE PLAYING WHAT THE DECISION MAKER COULD SAY TO THROW YOU OFF OR OUT. YOU’LL WIN OVER AND OVER AGAIN. TRUST ME!