Veni, Vidi, Vomiti

You’re sick to death of it. I get it. Your pain-in-the-ass boss and your whiny-ass co-workers make you want to hurl. And if you’re NOT working, the slew of crackheads who hold the keys to getting your next paycheck, produce an endless eruption of bile. Yup. I do get it, but it’s time to stop feeling sick and instead learn how to TELL people exactly what you want from them. This act of self-expression will help you become more of a peer and less of a peon and will strengthen your position wherever you are, I swear. You just have to use your brain and know when and how to cough up your truth.

Saying what you need is really not as hard as you’ve built it up to be. We tend to be so insecure in our jobs and with the people around us that we become paranoid people-pleasers and second-guess every move we make. I know just reading this spikes your heart rate – I can hear you now:

“But I’ll sound like a bitch (or a dick) if I say what I want!”

No you won’t. You’ll sound like a person who has an ounce of confidence. You’ll sound like someone who has a brain and shows initiative. What a travesty that would be.

Imagine this: Instead of following up on an interview by passively saying, “I just wanted to call and check in to see if you’ve made your decision yet,” buck up and say, “I just wanted to call to let you know I’ve been thinking about this position and I REALLY WANT IT. What will it take for me to get this job?” [Ooooooh….scary! You might actually sound, dare I say, enthusiastic!]

Instead of fuming inside when your boss loads more and more work on you, and then pouring your pent up venom on your colleagues, respond to your boss by saying, “No problem, but can you help prioritize these tasks so I understand what’s most important to you? I might need another person to help me get this done on time.” [Ooooooh….you sound like you’re not perfect! Welcome to the party! Have a beer.]

Saying what you need and expressing how you feel doesn’t mean you walk into your boss’s office to tell him he’s a turd and that you need a raise, it means thinking through your situations and choosing your words and timing wisely. If you’re shot down whenever you express yourself, start planning your exit strategy. If you think you want to vomit now, give yourself another two years with that punitive power-monger.

By now it should go without saying that these rules ONLY apply if you’re a stellar employee—if you’re NOT a terrific worker then forget I said any of this. There’s nothing worse than a crappy employee who has needs—the only need I have with a crappy employee is that they get the hell out of my office.

Managing Covert & Overt Assholes

Covert Asshole (koh-vurt ass-hole) n. 1. One who wreaks havoc on the workplace while hiding behind an insidious smile or otherwise pleasant-looking façade.

Overt Asshole (oh-vurt ass-hole) n. 1.One who wreaks havoc on the workplace while showing outward signs of insanity.

-The “Genius” Dictionary

Let me start by saying: If you have to work with or for an asshole, pray he or she is of the overt kind. Since I’ve worked with and for both, I know first hand that knowing and seeing that the Overt Asshole's insanity is coming your way is far better than guessing what lurks behind the neoprene exterior of the covert one.

Now, in the interest of full self-disclosure, I admit that I have been an asshole. And to clarify, I’ve been an asshole of the overt kind. While I don’t take immense pride in saying I’ve been an OA, I can at least say anyone could see it coming; it’s not like my assholishness was going to sneak up on you and BAM, bitch-slap you from behind. (I don’t have a good poker face.) To redeem myself, I must note that over the years I’ve matured and I think it’s safe to say that most - -save a few -- would not consider me to be an asshole of any variety. But I have mucho experience with assholes of all flavors.

While there are these two classic forms of assholes, it’s the Covert Asshole you need to worry about. They’re super-icky and, since you really can’t understand their motivation, you’re stuck wondering, “Hmmmmm, how is this asshole going to destroy my life?” It’s truly maddening to be singled out by someone who has silently and insidiously declared jihad on you. I’ve experienced this twice, once with a co-worker and once with a boss. I think it’s more complex (not worse, just more complicated) when it’s with a co-worker because there are more layers of your world they attack – they trash-talk horizontally, vertically, perpendicularly and on the bias. When it’s your boss, I believe there are fewer positions from which they attack – horizontally mostly, and then in the future when you need their reference for your next job. But, if we’re using “devastation” as the denominating factor here, both assholes are equal.

When it’s your CO-WORKER, you can typically confront them more easily than you might your boss. And CONFRONT is the right action to take. I don’t mean run up and punch him in the mouth, but discuss what you “perceive” to be going on as though “you’re concerned” about your work relationship. (Puke, right? Just do it.) You can have a slight edge in your tone, but be pleasantly strong. Let them know you’re serious. Surely you’ve been hearing “rumblings,” so you should allude to them without being specific and without throwing your intrepid spies under the bus. Just say it’s becoming “more uncomfortable the more I hear these things,” and that you hope there’s no problem or misunderstanding between the two of you. If they’re more covert, then you can say, “I sense there’s something between us, but I’m not sure what, if anything is going on. Can we talk about it?” If they’re a complete overt asshole, yelling or bitching at you, tell them to knock it the hell off. I mean that literally. Say, “Joe, knock it the hell off.” That’ll usually stops them dead. It's fun to do because rarely does anyone have the balls to say it to them.

Know that in any case, the person you’re talking to isn’t going to ‘fess up and be honest about the fact that they have a problem with you, but at least you’ll know that they know that you know. They’ll also know that you’re hearing the crap they’re saying. They’re busted and confronted and they’re embarrassed because they’re not as clever as they thought they were. Don’t you remember the panic you felt in high school when someone said, “I heard what you said about me?” THAT’S THE KIND OF PANIC I’M TALKING ABOUT! Brilliant!

When it’s your BOSS, use the same basic tactic. This just takes more balls and if you don’t have them, pretend you do. See all about bullshitting. There is NO REAL CONFRONTATION here, only dialogue, which by its very nature is calm. Your tone should be nice and respectful – no edge. I had to do this a few years ago when I noticed my boss was no longer speaking to me, returning emails, looking me in the eye, or otherwise acknowledging my existence, which made it difficult to run his TV show. There was no clear “moment” that marked this slow burn into hell, but he had a ginormous ego, so it shouldn’t have been surprising. Anyway, when I’d had about enough of the passive-aggressive-ego-maniacal bullshit, I set an appointment and walked into his office. I calmly, BUT WITH CONFIDENCE, explained that during the last meeting, when he completely ignored me, it made me wonder if I had done something to offend, frustrate or otherwise upset him. I went on to say that my sole job is to make him happy with the work I was doing, (yes, puke, I know) and that if there’s something I needed to adjust, I was more than happy to do it (and I would have). During my conversation, I was not a sniveling idiot, but instead a strong, clear-minded adult who wanted to clarify any misunderstanding that might be in the way of getting the job done in the best way possible. And, since I really DID care about the job (not him), I wanted to adjust anything that might make life with him more tolerable. I knew I wasn’t going to get any honest admission like, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I’ve been a passive-aggressive asshole and I don’t like strong women,” but it was important that I knew that he knew that I knew. His only response was, “there is no problem.” So, I took that for what it was worth – zero -- and left. I then went on and tortured him by being unbelievably nice and professional until the very end – all the while knowing that he was just a CA.

I think the most difficult thing when you’re dealing with a CA boss is that you believe that if you just worked harder and longer and faster that things would change. Trust me, they won’t. Who knows what’s going on with this person? It could be that the way you chew your salad reminds her of her mother – and now there’s hell to pay because she sees HER when she looks at YOU. Seriously, it could be that your very presence triggers something in her and what in the hell can you do about that? Nothing!

Please, though, advance the greater good of the non-assholes and confront the person who is making your life hell. What do you have to lose? You’re not going to lose your job if you handle it with the utmost respect. And, what? You might lose a friend at work who was never your friend in the first place? Get it together and take charge of your situation. No patsies here!

FOOTNOTE: Now, it should go without saying that if you suck at your job, are lazy, complain, stir up shit, and take 2-hour lunch breaks, I condone assholish behavior from your boss. But it shouldn’t last long. They should buck up and fire you.

5 REASONS YOU SHOULD QUIT YOUR JOB

1. Your boss is an unadulterated asshole.

2. Your stomach is perforated.

3. You cry before breakfast.

4. You feel like a battered 8-year-old.

5. You’ve doubled your meds.

If you’ve checked any of the above and haven’t considered quitting, then run (don’t walk) to your shrink. I speak from experience. Trust me. It wasn’t until I developed ulcerative colitis (good times!) and a quirky little twitch in my left eye that I realized I was the idiot for staying in a ridiculous situation. The ulcerative colitis joined my twitching eye while I was producing a DREADFUL talk show that had systematically been destroying my life. I’m not sure exactly when my colonus eruptus, but it might have been the day my lunatic host spiraled into yet another of his nonsensical rages spouting racial slurs and declaring a “revolution” in the hallway. Even after I called studio security (as a means to protect myself and my staff), I went right back to work; this was, after all, just another 20-hour day at the office. Insanity, abuse and outright panic from above was the norm.

Bleeding colon or not, though, I wasn’t going down. WAS I INSANE? YES. Absolutely. After enough neuroses from the network and hostile host-ery, I should have walked out the door and never looked back, but I didn’t. I was too afraid someone would criticize me for not “toughing it out.” I only wish that I had had the courage to show what I was REALLY made of – STRENGTH. Real strength would have come from walking out the damned door.

Now I’m not saying this is easy. Quitting is a tricky business. You need to lay some groundwork before you quit, and that takes time and thought. So do it NOW. Obviously, if you wouldn’t be able to feed yourself or your family, you can’t just jump ship without a plan. So do your homework and, if you’re committed, you should be able to line up another gig within the next month or so. Then, BAM! You’re OUT!

Do yourself a favor and don’t STAY in your current job so you can prove to everyone that you can handle being abused. I’m no psychologist, but I think it’s safe to say there’s some old personal crap tied up in staying in abusive situations, right? So look at it for what it is and DO something about it. CHANGE IT. I wish I had. My new rule is this: Horrid people don’t get to keep good employees. When you stay in the job, you’re complicit in their abuse. Think about that: You’re condoning your abuse and that of others. YUK!

So go ahead, just this once let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.


NOTE: Be aware that unemployment doesn’t usually pay you if you quit, only if you're fired. There are hoops you’d have to jump through if you feel you were discriminated against, abused, overworked, etc. to get benefits. Check it all out before you make your decision.

Be a Peer, Not a Peon

This is one of the phrases I find myself tossing about lately – in fact, I’ve said it to three different people in the past 24-hours (all of whom are struggling with work issues) -- which leads me to believe that many more of you are also walking through your world behaving like you’re a teeny, tiny, itty, bitty, insignificant being in this vast business culture of big, scary people who rule your life. Puh-leeez. Get it together. And if you can’t get it together, then go back to the bullshitting area of The Reluctant Genius and pretend you have it together, because when you begin to act like a PEER instead of a PEON, you will get respect and respect is how you move forward in business. A peer is someone who is equal to you as you are to them. There is camaraderie with peers; with peons, there is only power. (Go ahead, quote me on that one. It’s smooth.)

I believe this “self-peonization” – a term I just coined to sound as though I’m an expert in peonical culture – yet another piece of personal coinage – originated at some point during our respective tortured childhoods. If you don’t believe you were tortured at some point as a child, then you’re already a master of bullshitting and I congratulate you. If you’re exuding peonic behavior, then there is a 100%* chance someone screwed you up while your brain was still developing and you need to upgrade your peon alert to orange. (*Made up statistic)

In my graduate work, I’m studying the roles of the oppressor and the oppressed in our society; I think it’s fairly obvious to say that one cannot exist without the other, right? A queen is only a queen in relation to those she rules – otherwise there’s no queen at all. A pauper is only a pauper in relation to one who has riches – or perhaps, in their case, goats. The same goes for you. Because you don’t have goats, doesn’t mean you suck and are “less than” someone who has goats. The problem is that you perceive those who have goats (your boss, co-workers) to be better than you and you then bestow them with the ultimate gift – POWER. And when you do this, you screw the proverbial pooch*. That is to say, you set the stage to be treated as though you are not worthy. You are getting what you’re giving off. (*Apologies for mixing goat and poodle metaphors.)

When you are a peer, you walk into a room with shoulders back, you make eye contact, and you exude a confident tone that says we’re equals – you’re human and I am, too. If you’re sheepish (not to be confused with the aforementioned goats), you give off pheromones* that make their way right into the brain of your soon-to-be-oppressor who now has you pegged as a wuss. He or she has seen your weakness and that’s difficult to undo. (*Made up scientific fact)

Someone hires you because they want to trust in your strengths to get work done. Your job is to make their job easier. When you show confidence, they naturally develop a confident attitude toward you. When you look frightened, intimidated, or exhibit a clear lack of confidence, you scare the hell out of them and down you go.

NONE of this is to say you should go and slap your boss on the back and exclaim that you’re now comrades and best buddies. No. Please don’t do that – you’ll look like a jackass. Being a peer is about mutual respect and the notion of equality. No one is any better than the other, you’re just two people who want the same thing – to get the job done in the best way possible. Sure, we might be talking about your boss who can make decisions that you can’t -- she can hire you and fire you and make your life a living hell -- but you’re still human beings on this planet and I believe there is equality that can and must co-exist within the framework of your office. Damnit.

It’s all about RESPECTING without GENUFLECTING! No bowing down to ANYONE!*

*unless they have a shitload of goats.